• • •
Heeled Republicans
Insist They Get Democracy Now
10/24/13
Colorado--Veteran Republican strategist Ed Gillespie said the GOP knows it has to get more votes and elect more officials. The conservative pol's comments came on The News Hour earlier today when asked what if anything Republicans had learned from the desperate and doomed debacle they called a budget negotiation. The news that apparently Republicans understand the nature and basic process of democracy caused great joy throughout The Kingdom—nowhere more than in the school system.
Fifth grade social studies teachers breathed a collective sigh of relief, and many decided to continue teaching—at least through the end of the schoolyear. Increasingly of late they had no answer to the oft asked question of the value of a fifth grade social studies education. Many wondered themselves about the value of what they did. (Conversely, fifth grade social studies students all over The Kingdom were stunned. The whackadoodle's last second capitulation robbed them of the argument they didn't have to know anything at all about social studies to be a Congressman or Senator, or even a President, pointing to the recent example of George W. Bush. Apparently there are different kinds of votes at different times and different rules for each, and imagining it isn't so does not work as a tactic.)
In other parts of The Kingdom, traders of coin and skin did record business, and fortune tellers predicted happy days again. Many subjects stopped hording pennies, tax forms, census publications, and cats, and turned their attention once again to newspapers, old baseball gloves, and black coats. And cats.
Peasants, many shaking their heads, returned to work.
• • •
Republicans To Fight
Emancipation Proclamation Next
10/05/13
Colorado--House and Senate Republicans have begun making a wish list of laws they don't like and will attack during the now annual budget showdown next year.
Encouraged by the media coverage (if not actual success) of their doomed budget-hostage gambit to get rid of Obamacare (which continues as of this post), Republican lawmakers say they'll use the budget every year as a weapon in their arsenal to destroy the world.
Weasel watchers say the short list of laws they'll attack next year includes the Civil Rights Act of 1964, the 19th and 13th Ammendments to the Constitution, and even the Emancipation Proclamation itself—if they can figure out where it is.
According to weasel watchers, less evolved weasels often see wrong-headed probably illegal and most certainly impractical and impossible missions against best and even all advice as the reason they're here. Best available research suggests problems during the anal stage of childhood development as the likely reason for such butt-headed behavior.
Those who know about such things say there's no limit to how little lawmakers might do in the 113th Congress if they stick to their guns. Those who know about such things also point out that the 112th Congress set the bar historically low as the least productive in history, and that it would take an unprecedented lack of effort to do less.
Those same people who know about such things note the weasels' lack of effort will be enhanced for the foreseeable future since they won't be able to phone it in like they usually do as the congressional switchboard will be inoperative during the government shut down.
• • •
Pope Francis Changes Rules
For Heaven and Hell: Muslim
Paradise Gets Bump
07/15/13
Colorado--Pope Francis' recent unlinking of Heaven and Hell with any religious doctrine caused a surge of interest in the afterlife inside my head—specifically, in the options of Heaven now available to nonbelievers. Presented with the broad strokes of the versions of Heaven of the three great religions of the world—the pearly gates and streets of gold and agape love of the Christian Heaven; the vague but probably very beautiful Garden of Eden of Jewish lore; and the Muslim Paradise where one is looked after by seventy-two "perpetually fresh" virgins and blessed with the virility of 100 men—voices inside my head were asked to choose which light they would be most likely to walk toward.
By a margin of 9 to 1, male respondents inside my head said they would be more likely to walk toward the light leading to the Muslim Paradise, citing what they expected would be a perpetual erection as the primary deciding factor. Female respondents inside my head, on the other hand, chose the Garden of Eden of Jewish lore by a margin of 9 to 1, citing confusion over whether or not there would be male virgins to "look after" them in the Muslim Paradise, and whether such an inexperienced or "perpetually fresh" state would be desirable in the first place. They also cited a deep love of flowers which they imagined would be in full bloom in the Garden of Eden.
When the voices inside my head were polled about the complete lack of interest in the Christian Heaven, the most oft cited response was a general suspiciousness of gated communities inside which agape love was practiced. The second most common response was a disinterest in agape love in general.
The lone female voice inside my head to choose the light leading to the Muslim Paradise--an unassuming, almost plain 39-year-old never-married, lonely heart libarian with thick black glasses and perpetually messy hair--responded to additional polling: "What the hell—I'll give the virgins a whirl!"
When the lone male nonbelieving voice inside my head who chose the Jewish Garden of Eden over the Muslim Paradise was exit polled about his decision, he initially responded "Go f#%k yourself," but after repolling, finally relented: "Who wants 72 giggling virgins in an over-populated paradise when you can have nine good slutty Jews all to yourself in a virtually empty garden.
"Now leave me alone or I'll kill you."
• • •
Boulder Cop Shoots
Crazed Killer Elk
01/05/13
Colorado--The Republic of Boulder announced today one of its peace officers killed a giant elk in the quiet, leafy Mapleton Hill neighborhood just north of Pearl Street. Early reports are that the elk may have been wounded and acting aggressively toward the deputy. Deputy Barney Fife’s instincts kicked in when he recognized the trophy-sized elk’s compromised condition, and he quickly euthanized the once-glorious and majestic but now tragic animal with a shotgun. Thank sustainability science The Republic had the foresight to train its law enforcement officers in angelic mercy killing and Deputy Fife knew exactly what to do. Otherwise some crazed concerned citizen might have called a veterinarian or worse, Boulder Valley animal control who might have done something crazy or made a giant embarassing mess of things.
Deputy Fife’s expensive taxpayer-financed training came in handy again after the merciful act, as well. After setting it all up with a fellow peace officer (who just happened to be a butcher and who just happened to take the day off) and another peace officer (from an as of yet unknown law enforcement agency within The Republic) to help them load the half-ton carcass into a truck (and to take Barney Fife’s picture with his trophy so presumably he could remember the solemn occasion and teach his children well, as citizens of The Republic of Boulder are wont to do), the quick-thinking officer of the law used his personal phone to call his fellow angels of mercy to set the plan into motion, so as to save The Republic the time and money it would no doubt cost to handle the tragedy via proper police protocol.
Crazed concerned citizens of The Republic weren’t buying Deputy’s Fife’s explanation, however, noting that he was a part-time taxidermist, and that photos taken at the scene with Deputy Fife posed as a proud conquering great white (trash) hunter with the slain beast (whose tongue lay cartoonishly outside its mouth in a pool of blood) belied his claims of a merciful kill.
The general feeling in The Republic is that we’ve not heard the last of this.
(A note of reportage gratitude to whomever wherever I heard correctly note the Barney Fife-like quality to Boulder police officer Sam Carter's version of events in the early morning hours of New Years Day, 2013, in a town and place not so very different than Mayberry, and with the very same theme song.)
