naked light bulb

Otis at work


Of This
And That...


01/07/15--Voices In My Head Unhinged! Earth's Rotation Slowing!?

11/05/14--Wait— What!? The Elections Happened Already!?

09/29/14--Voices In My Head Spooked! Trouble Not Brewing In the Republic!?

08/29/14--Killer Cop Goes Free! Republic Braces For Riots!

10/24/13--Heeled Republicans Insist They Get Democracy Now

10/05/13--Republicans To Fight Emancipation Proclamation Next

07/15/13--Pope Francis Changes Rules For Heaven and Hell: Muslim Paradise Gets Bump

01/05/13--Boulder Cop (Taxidermist) Shoots (Bags) Crazed Killer (Old and Feeble) Elk (Trophy)















































































































































• • •



Earth's Rotation



Colorado--An extra second will be added to the official time of the world this June, somebody on TV said. The leap second was last added three years ago because the earth’s rotation is slowing and—


The situation here in my head has taken a sudden apocalyptic turn. Spooked voices from previous spooky stuff have come completely unhinged and are buzzing about in a hyper-hysterical hallucinatory hell and deafening din of uppercase doom. They’ve taken over the Narrative Voice and—


They've breeched the cerebral cortex and are heading for the basil ganglia. I don’t know how much longer I—


I’ll never be able to—







• • •



The Elections
Happened Already!?



Colorado--Results are in from the 2014 midterm cleansing, and the unbeatable Good Prince Udall turned out to be neither good nor unbeatable. When news of the Prince’s beheading was posted on the internet, subjects in the Magical Kingdom were heard to say collectively, “Wait—what!? The elections happened already!?”   

The ritual biennial bloodbath changed the balance of the political landscape, giving Republicans a clear advantage now in the Senate as well as the House. In the aftermath of what the chattering class is already calling a classic Absurdican midterm political bloodletting, Democrat squires and other staffers all across Absurdica were seen early this morning loading the disembodied heads of their Princes and Pawns into caissons to be delivered to local alchemists for repurposing—usually for the Bowling Balls for Peasants program.

(The program and process whereby bowling balls are made from severed heads is really quite clever and ingenious. First, the eye sockets and mouth are cleaned out and corked; then the head is dipped in a specially treated tar and dried rock-hard in the sun. Afterward, the corks are removed and, through a 501(c)(3) nonprofit created to use local artisans and alchemists to repurpose political refuse, the bowling balls are distributed to peasants throughout the land—albeit with the calculated cynical objective of keeping peasants preoccupied with sport and disinterested in governance. Concerns that peasants have caught on and are voting “heads off” for every incumbent every election in order to get more bowling balls have unnerved many potential candidates. There is also a slight concern peasants may actually become interested in politics and take control of their own lives, possibly even the United States of Absurdica itself.)

In a related story, voices in my head—previously spooked over the apparent loss of mojo and consequent will to riot and revolt by citizens of the Republic of Boulder in the face of an unfair sentence handed down in the notorious Big Boy slaying in August (see “Killer Cop Goes Free! Republic Braces For Riots!”; Of This And That…, 08/29/14)—are skittish and increasingly paranoid over the apparent apathy and disinterest in truth, justice and the Absurdican way.

“It’s all part of the insidious weasel war plan!” one of the more conspiratorial voices decried, which sent the already spooked voices in my head into a stampede of irrational impulses.

Predictably, the Voice of Calm called for everybody to calm down. The Voice of Reason renewed its usual call for comprehensive investigation, with extensive polling of opinions and suspicions and thorough testing of air and water quality.

“F#%k that!” the Voice of Action cried out. “Let’s do things! Let’s beat whomever’s responsible until it feels right! Or at least until we feel better!”

The Voice of Common Sense, in an unusually shortsighted and ill-conceived note of support, punctuated the Voice of Action’s calls for action, insisting the act of pummeling itself would no doubt restore the lost mojo in question. “We actually need to pummel the sh!t out of whomever is responsible in order to get our mojo back!”

“Yeah, and let’s burn stuff! That’ll make us feel better, too!” the Voice of Arsonist Impulses added.

“This is all your fault!” The Voice of Blame pointed out that I was supposed to look into this loss of mojo in the Kingdom last month, and wondered if blame for the further loss of mojo that resulted in Prince Udall losing his head mightn’t be laid at my feet.

“I’ll get to the bottom of this sh!t!” the Voice of Half-Baked Ideas screamed and stormed out of my head, prompting all the voices in my head to suddenly stop their incessant chattering and look at each other nervously.





• • •



Trouble Not Brewing
In the Republic!?



Colorado--The suspicious absence of rioting and looting and burning of stuff over the little more than tongue-lashing of a sentence given disgraced former Republic of Boulder Police Officer Sam Carter (aka Barney Fife*) for the brutal, calculated slaying of the legendary old and feeble bull elk known as Big Boy in the leafy Mapleton Hill neighborhood near downtown Boulder early New Years Day, 2013, has spooked several voices in my head. One voice has even called for an investigation.

Noting that in the past, simple and random acts of unkindness and/or unfairness in the Republic have prompted demonstrations and even rioting, spooked voices in my head insist something heinous and horrible has happened to the mojo of the Republic. “It’s like if you stopped kicking when somebody hits your knee with a hammer!” one of the voices said. “Or if earthworms didn’t crawl out of their holes before a rain storm!?” 

The Voice of Calm in my head urged the other voices not to jump to conclusions from strained similes. The Voice of Reason called for a comprehensive investigation, with extensive polling of opinions and suspicions and thorough testing of air and water quality. Some voices, however, point out that the Voices of Calm and Reason caucus together in a secret place where it is believed they smoke marijuana, and under no circumstances should they be trusted. (There is brewing resentment and probably a confrontation looming over the habit the Voices of Calm and Reason have of trying to control the other voices in my head. “Who died and made them king and queen of the voices!?”  the self-appointed leader of the other voices reasoned, trying to beat the Voices of Calm and Reason at their own game.)

A representative of the spooked majority said the Calm Caucus usually falls asleep watching Letterman, whereupon spooked voices can indulge their paranoia and get to the bottom of this suspicious peace in the Republic with predictable reckless abandon.






• • •



Republic Braces
For Riots!



Colorado--Disgraced former Republic of Boulder police officer Sam Carter (aka Barney Fife*) was sentenced today to four years probation, 30 days on a work crew, 200 hours of community service, and ordered to pay $10,200 in fines.

A cultural disgrace, one citizen of the Republic almost certainly remarked. What does this teach our children? Most citizens of the Republic had hoped for a much stiffer penalty—many in fact arguing for the sick bastard to be hanged, set on fire, drawn and quartered, and in a final act of existential disgrace and humiliation, left on public display until whatever remains has been eaten by wild dogs and feral cats, so as to teach their children well. (It's worth noting the Republic is famously against the death penalty. However, in cases where wildlife— protected species or not—is unnecessarily and /or shamefully wounded and/or killed, the overwhelming majority support quick and certain death sentences to be carried out and strong messages to current neighbors and future generations.)

Fife, who faced up to six years in prison on nine different counts related to the slaying of an old and feeble bull elk in the leafy Mapleton Hill neighborhood near downtown Boulder on New Years day 2013 [see "Boulder Cop (Taxidermist) Shoots (Bags) Crazed Killer (Old and Feeble) Elk (Trophy)," Of This And That..., 01/05/13], pointed to his former police and military service as examples of the type of positive service of which he was capable—the part where he wasn’t conspiring to slaughter, dress and butcher iconic neighborhood wildlife and cover it up, he almost certainly meant.

Boulder will f#%king burn, one of the more hysterical voices inside my head predicted when the verdict came down this afternoon, memories of rich white kids burning sofas on their porches when the Republic banned stuffed furniture outdoors fresh in its mind. Remember Big Boy!, another voice in my head cried out, trying to start a riot. The butchered carcass of Big Boy is trying to roll over in its grave! But it can’t because its dismembered and disembodied and disemboweled and scattered all over the front range in the conspirator-cops’ freezers! It’s a disgrace! It's shameful! This cannot be sustained! Let's burn stuff!

Citizens of the "Best College Town in America" (according to something I read or saw on TV or something) will almost certainly take to the streets tonight in protest. Local officers of the Republic are ready for it, though, probably with all sorts of first responder/military stuff they got from the federal government in the 9/11 windfall. We’re not going to let this turn into another Ferguson, I imagined a Republic spokesperson saying. We will tolerate neither lawlessness nor racism nor violence against elk in our little town, he’d say as the theme from Mayberry, RFD played in the background.



* A note of reportage gratitude to whomever wherever I heard correctly note the Barney Fife-like quality to Boulder police officer Sam Carter's version of events in the early morning hours of New Years Day, 2013, in a town and place not so very different than Mayberry, and with the very same theme song.