• • •

Of This
And That...

01/07/15--Voices In My Head Unhinged! Earth's Rotation Slowing!?

11/05/14--Wait— What!? The Elections Happened Already!?

09/29/14--Voices In My Head Spooked! Trouble Not Brewing In the Republic!?

08/29/14--Killer Cop Goes Free! Republic Braces For Riots!

10/24/13--Heeled Republicans Insist They Get Democracy Now

10/05/13--Republicans To Fight Emancipation Proclamation Next

07/15/13--Pope Francis Changes Rules For Heaven and Hell: Muslim Paradise Gets Bump

01/05/13--Boulder Cop (Taxidermist) Shoots (Bags) Crazed Killer (Old and Feeble) Elk (Trophy)























Apocalyptic Asteroid Tracker

So Far So Good...

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11/01/14--Vol. 1; Dispatch 1: The Dust Bowl This Time: How The Tea Party's Scorched Earth Attack On The Affordable Care Act Is Drying Up The Land That Was Made For You And Me

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11/01/13--Vol. 1; Sermon 3: Of Weasels and Men... (Part II)

10/01/13--Vol. 1; Sermon 2: Of Weasels and Men... (Part I)

07/22/13--Vol. 1; Sermon 1: Behold Francis The Crazy!

*Update: 10/31/13-- Would-be Plot To Assassinate Pope Exposes Pedo-tactics!

*Update: 08/05/13-- Pope On A Plane





















• • •

Midway upon my journey in this life, I abandoned all hope as I entered into a dark place...and I cried out to a God in whom I no longer believed: “Fix this sh!t, goddammit!” After all, it seemed to me that much of the mess I saw had been made in this god’s good name.

Suddenly a thunderclap voice exploded like lightning: “What am I, f#%king stupid!? Thou hath brought this sh!t upon thyself! Stop whining liketh a little b!tch and fixeth thine own sh!t thine own self!”

Who-the-f#%k are you!? I shrieked and tried to hide.

“I'm the voice in the goddamned dark that's sick of your whiny needy sh!t!”

But the job is too big, I cried. The weasels are too many. I don’t know if you can tell or not in the dark, but it’s just me...Otis.

Another thunderclap and flash of light: “What are you, f#%king stupid!? I can see into hearts! I can see into souls! I can see in the goddamned dark, Huckleberry!”

It’s Otis.

“Whatever.” The voice calmed and rolled off into a slow steady rumble: “Now listen closely. The Day of the Weasel hath come and the wretched Weasel War is upon us.”

I've been saying!

“Shut up and do exactly as I say:

  1. In the manner and custom of thine times…writest down what thou seest;
  2. also in the manner and custom of thine times…maketh commentary thereupon;
  3. and when the gravitas of utterance shall warrant, thou mayest at thine own discretion use red typeface to signify direct divine communication from Yours Truly (and for occasional flourishes of decoration).”

And then the voice was silent.

Wait, what shall I call this commentary upon what I see?

Suddenly a thunderclap and another flash of light: Again, what are you, f#%king stupid!? You can call it the Sermon on the F#%king Mount for all I care! For the love of Me! Go forth and have a f#%king thought of thine own!

There was a moment of silence. Then one last rumble.

And also maketh sure to properly footnote and reference all material thou chooseth to include in these divine reports and commentaries, lest nobody believeth the crazy sh!t thou sayeth.

Wait! Which stylebook?

A smaller but still angry clap and flash: How should I f#%king care!? But for the love of whatever or whomever thou thinkest I am or am not, the voice in the dark said, be consistent!

But why me?

Indeed, the voice grumbled almost imperceptibly.

And then the voice in the dark was gone…and I found myself in a blissful, soothing light—heaven? But when my eyes adjusted, I saw it was Colorado….


O.Keyes, Colorado