naked light bulb

Otis at work


Of This
And That...


• • •

To Fight Emancipation Proclamation Next

House and Senate Republicans have begun making a wish list of laws they don't like and will attack during the now annual budget showdown next year.

Encouraged by the media coverage (if not actual success) of their current budget-hostage gambit which continues as of  11:59 p.m., Republican lawmakers say they'll use the budget every year as a weapon in their arsenal to destroy the world.

Weasel watchers say the short list of laws they'll attack next year includes the Civil Rights Act of 1964, the 19th and 13th Ammendments to the Constitution, and even the Emancipation Proclamation itself.

Those who know about such things say there's no limit to how little lawmakers might do in the 113th Congress if they stick to their guns. Those who know about such things also point out that the 112th Congress set the bar historically low as the least productive in history, and that it would take an unprecedented lack of effort to do less.

Those same people who know about such things note the weasels' lack of effort will be enhanced for the foreseeable future since they won't be able to phone it in like they usually do as the congressional switchboard will be inoperative during the government shut down.


• • •

Midway upon my journey in this life, I abandoned all hope as I entered into a dark place...and I cried out to a God in whom I no longer believed: “Fix this sh!t, goddammit!” After all, it seemed to me that much of the mess I saw had been made in this god’s good name.

Suddenly a thunderclap voice exploded like lightning: “What am I, f#%king stupid!? Thou hath brought this sh!t upon thyself! Stop whining liketh a little b!tch and fixeth thine own sh!t thine own self!”

Who-the-f#%k are you!? I shrieked and tried to hide.

“I'm the voice in the goddamned dark that's sick of your whiny needy sh!t!”

But the job is too big, I cried. The weasels are too many. I don’t know if you can tell or not in the dark, but it’s just me...Otis.

Another thunderclap and flash of light: “What are you, f#%king stupid!? I can see into hearts! I can see into souls! I can see in the goddamned dark, Huckleberry!”

It’s Otis.

“Whatever.” The voice calmed and rolled off into a slow steady rumble: “Now listen closely. The Day of the Weasel hath come and the wretched Weasel War is upon us.”

I've been saying!

“Shut up and do exactly as I say:

  1. In the manner and custom of thine times…writest down what thou seest;
  2. also in the manner and custom of thine times…maketh commentary thereupon;
  3. and when the gravitas of utterance shall warrant, thou mayest at thine own discretion use red typeface to signify direct divine communication from Yours Truly (and for occasional flourishes of decoration).”

And then the voice was silent.

Wait, what shall I call this commentary upon what I see?

Suddenly a thunderclap and another flash of light: Again, what are you, f#%king stupid!? You can call it the Sermon on the F#%king Mount for all I care! For the love of Me! Go forth and have a f#%king thought of thine own!

There was a moment of silence. Then one last rumble.

And also maketh sure to properly footnote and reference all material thou chooseth to include in these divine reports and commentaries, lest nobody believeth the crazy sh!t thou sayeth.

Wait! Which stylebook?

A smaller but still angry clap and flash: How should I f#%king care!? But for the love of whatever or whomever thou thinkest I am or am not, the voice in the dark said, be consistent!

But why me?

Indeed, the voice grumbled almost imperceptibly.

And then the voice in the dark was gone…and I found myself in a blissful, soothing light—heaven? But when my eyes adjusted, I saw it was Colorado….


O.Keyes, Colorado