naked light bulb

Otis at work


Of This
And That...

• • •

Pope Francis Changes Rules For Heaven And Hell: Muslim Paradise Gets Bump

-Pope Francis' recent unlinking of Heaven and Hell with any religious doctrine caused a surge of interest in the afterlife inside my head—specifically, in the options of Heaven now available to nonbelievers. Presented with the broad strokes of the versions of Heaven of the three great religions of the world—the pearly gates and streets of gold and agape love of the Christian Heaven; the vague but probably very beautiful Garden of Eden of Jewish lore; and the Muslim Paradise where one is looked after by seventy-two "perpetually fresh" virgins and blessed with the virility of 100 men—voices inside my head were asked to choose which light they would be most likely to walk toward.

By a margin of 9 to 1, male respondents inside my head said they would be more likely to walk toward the light leading to the Muslim Paradise, citing what they expected would be a perpetual erection as the primary deciding factor. Female respondents inside my head, on the other hand, chose the Garden of Eden of Jewish lore by a margin of 9 to 1, citing confusion over whether or not there would be male virgins to "look after" them in the Muslim Paradise, and whether such an inexperienced or "perpetually fresh" state would be desirable in the first place. They also cited a deep love of flowers which they imagined would be in full bloom in the Garden of Eden.

When the voices inside my head were polled about the complete lack of interest in the Christian Heaven, the most oft cited response was a general suspiciousness of gated communities inside which agape love was practiced. The second most common response was a disinterest in agape love in general.

The lone female voice inside my head to choose the light leading to the Muslim Paradise—an unassuming, almost plain 39-year-old never-married, lonely heart libarian with thick black glasses and perpetually messy hair—responded to additional polling: "What the hell—I'll give the virgins a whirl!"

When the lone male nonbelieving voice inside my head who chose the Jewish Garden of Eden over the Muslim Paradise was exit polled about his decision, he initially responded "Go f#%k yourself," but after repolling, finally relented: "Who wants 72 probably mythical virgins in a too-good-to -be-true paradise when you can have a sure thing with nine good slutty Jews in the Garden of Eden.

"Now leave me alone or I'll kill you."




























































       Vol. 1; Sermon 1      

• • •

Behold Francis The Crazy!


               Let Frank Speak!… Say It Ain't F#%king So!?...
               What Am I, F#%king Stupid!?...

see 10/31/13 update: Would-be Plot To Assassinate Pope Exposes Weasel
see 08/04/13 update: Pope On A Plane


Colorado--In an about-face that should have plunged the whole world into apocalypse, Pope Francis (The Crazy) waved off a couple thousand years of Catholic hell-fire and brimstone like a f#%ked up call on the football field reversed after a lengthy-ass booth review.

Now, I’m no Catholic—or even current on the rolls of any religion currently in practice on the planet as far as I know—though I confess fondness for the implements of Rastafari, and a fetish for lapsed Catholic, Jew and Lutheran ladies (full disclosure, you understand)—but had such a crazy ass idea of how to get to Heaven been floated in the late-60s and early 70s whilst I was being indoctrinated into the fundamentals of Christianity backwoods-style with hickory switches and leather belts and paddles with unholy holes drilled in the sons a bitches, I would have straight-f#%king-forwardly renounced my cannibal vows and run away from home and joined the goddamned circus and rubbed the bearded lady’s tired ass feet at the end of the day to punch my ticket to heaven.

Previous to Crazy Frank’s decree that righteous, morally upright nonbelievers may now waltz through the pearly gates with the properly indoctrinated Christians, Jews and Muslims et al, nonbelievers (of any degree of righteousness) were certain to suffer the pain from a heat 70 times hotter than the hottest fire those of us here on earth have ever experienced, according to the book that formerly damned nonbelievers straight-to-hell when the grim reaper swung his scythe. That’s a pretty substantial savings of pain—and not just any pain, but eternal pain—for non-believers.

Or so the Godless heathens of the world might correctly have assumed.

Enter Rev. Thomas Rosica, Vatican spokesman: Scusi me, but Pope Frank, he misspoke, to summarize his “walk back” of the Vicar of Christ, Bishop of Rome, and Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church’s remarks (in a voice I imagined eerily similar to Father Guido Sarducci’s).

The next day the Washington Times headline read:


Hendrik Hertzberg, a staff writer at The New Yorker and an avowed atheist, was understandably verklempt, and in his June 5, 2013 post, wanted to know two things:

  1. Who’s boss, Pope Frank or Reverend Spokesman?
  2. And for the love of science, am I going to hell or not!?

(I paraphrase Mr. Hertzberg for time and space constraints, and for fun.)

Hertzberg correctly notes a “high weasel factor” involved in this unlikely papal preemption. It seems Reverend Spokesman, in what can only be seen as a boldfaced smack-down of his boss, says what the Pope meant to say was what Popes always say—that everybody’s going to Hell unless they do what the Pope says—via of course his spokesmen who are members of some Secret-F#%king-Order of the Weasels of Jesus or some such. (Actually ZENIT, a Toronto-based crazy-ass marketing department/pseudo-journalism outlet for the “the Pope’s wisdom”—as voiced through their own weasel spokesmen, of course—and controlled by the Legionaries of Christ, a creepy-f#%king-right-wing bat-sh!t-crazy boys club founded by a pedophile of historically monstrous proportions!)

So, to recap: Crazy Frank takes the Jesus and God and such out of Heaven and Hell, and makes it a matter of good folks and bad folks. However Reverend Spokesman of the Weasels-of-Jesus* says nope, what Pope Frank meant to say was the new boss is the same as the old boss, whole lot of Godless heathen mother-f#%kers still going straight to Hell.

Let Frank Speak!

Am I the only f#%king one in the whole goddamned world who sees this sh!t!? Clearly these bat-sh!t-crazy-ass order of the weasels have got Frank tied up and drugged and are holding him in some dank, dark hole in the Vatican where all the unholy weasel sh!t is covered up and stored. Every once in a while, though, the crazy sonovabitch manages to break loose and pop up in public with his own crazy good maybe even divinely inspired ideas about heaven and hell and holy responsibility and such, only to be tracked down by the weasels and dragged back into the bowels of the Vatican whereupon one of the weasel spokesmen straight-f#%king-forwardly reappears and says what Francis The Crazy meant to say was whatever we tell you the crazy bastard meant to say!

The sh!t hits the fan even harder nary a fortnight later…

In a speech at the Vatican given to Latin American and Caribbean nuns and priests, like the master of the subtly profound he’s shaping up to be, Frank just happens to mention the existence of a “gay lobby” of corrupt cardinals who practice the darker arts of politics to advance their own agenda, and are living and thriving in cloistered daylight in the Vatican. The Pope muses that something must be done about them. Which begs the two-f#%king-part question: who-the-f#%k then is the gay lobby, and what-the-f#%k is their agenda!?

Joan Acocella, in a piece posted on June 18, 2013 in The New Yorker online entitled The Pope and the “Gay Lobby,” wondered aloud symbolically for us antique symbol readers about the corruption in the Roman Curia (along with the Pope, the governing body of the entire Catholic Church) Crazy Frank mentioned in his June 6th speech. The Pope was apparently citing a report from April of this year from a committee of cardinals he appointed who suggested that a gay lobby was “vying for power and influence” amidst rumors of blackmail to further its agenda, according to Rachel Donadio, the New York Times bureau chief in Rome. In an admitted “long shot,” The New Yorker’s Acocella surmises that the gay lobby might actually be “campaigning, at least partly, for the Church to take a more tolerant view of homosexuality.”

The Roman Catholic catechism says that homosexuality is “intrinsically disordered” and cannot be approved under any circumstances. That’s a pretty unequivocal statement that seems unlikely to be changed without a profound overhaul of Catholic dogma. Could it possibly be there is a life and death struggle for the soul of the Catholic Church, and the gay lobby’s campaign for human decency and enlightenment in the face of soul-staggering, spirit-sapping bigotry and intolerance represents an unacceptable corruption of traditional Catholic teachings. Maybe Crazy Frank, as progressive as he hints he might be on a whole host of Catholic hot-button issues (supports celibacy “for now,” wears neither bejeweled miter nor ermine [interestingly, short-tailed weasel-fur] trimmed cape, nor custom made red shoes) is simply against such a liberalization of what the Good Book calls an abomination unto the Lord?

Or even more sinister and vile...could Frank possibly be throwing the "gay lobby" under the train of pedophile priest sh!t which this way comes!?

Say It Ain’t F#%king So…

Could it possibly be that crafty son of the Beast Pope Frank is cleverly mollifying the raging raped masses and, more importantly, their soul-sick mothers by appearing as a whirling reforming dervish sent from Heav’n, but is actually practicing the arts perfected as nowhere else by congressional Republicans (and congressional f#%king Democrats, too, for that matter) of self-righteous flurries of nothing so as to appear to do wonders in the sky (via the sorcerer’s tricks of the Reverend Spokesmen of the Secret Order Of The Weasels, you remember), but really just drags the issue through committees and studies and recommendations ad infintum and finally does nothing as public fatigue from prolonged outrage sets in and the weasels move the issue to the bottom of the deck and wait for the report to be finalized (or some such weasel-ese sh!t), ultimately preserving with deftly evil efficiency the Beast’s unholy reign of rape and plunder to pay for the Vatican’s goddamned aperitifs and art (and antique and real estate and jewelry and bobble-f#%king-head) collections.

Say it ain’t f#%king so, goddammit! Such an evil under-f#%king-handed placation of the first wave of what’s clearly the mother-of-all-f#%king-apocalypses will not sit well with my soul, goddammit! The sheer f#%king physics of such a desperate act here now as the hour is getting late should straight-f#%king-forwardly turn every goddamned stone in the Vatican! and whip the justice-starved raped masses into a blood-thirsty rage satiated only with the hooded secret weasel pricks drawn, quartered and fed to the hounds of holy f#%king hell!

What Am I, F#%king Stupid!?

This Pope’s no weasel—he’s blowin’ Gabriel’s f#%king horn, for chrissakes! He’s a heroic harbinger of holy hell and healing who knows some things are the way they are no matter what you want to think (or heaven-f#%king-forbid tell people) they are! There’s steaming piles of sh!t stored in dark holes in the Vatican (and for that matter all over the world), and if you don’t get out in front of it, you’ll get shoveled up with it into your own holy sh!t house and for the rest of human history serve no other purpose than as a focus for the contempt and scorn of all mankind.

What I heard the crazy ass pontificating populist say is who-the-f#%k are we to set the standards for the pearly f#%king gates! We got bloody stool flowing from every goddamned orifice of our own body of Christ! Forget all that sh!t about drinking blood and eating flesh—it’s mental f#%king illness waiting to happen, incubating in the dark corners of the religious psyche like a time bomb, waiting for a heartbreak or a humiliation or a simple slight on the wrong day at the wrong time by the wrong goddamned DMV agent or grocery clerk or bank teller—and as sick and twisted a ritual observance as exists in any culture anywhere! It’s nothing but dark demonically-drafted-dogma and it’s destroying the true universal church by subverting the natural divine evolutionary process of socio-cultural adaptation that sustains community and spiritual relevance for the institutions of a dynamic f#%king culture! (Again, sounds just like the goddamned playbook of congressional Republicans!)

Once and for-f#%king-all, until religious sects embrace the whole of divine personality, and through that process discovers their own—and that the true community of the divine is on earth as it is in Heav’n—religion is nothing but the devil’s sharpest f#%king tool. It keeps the truly God-fearing masses in the God-forsaken dark blindly supporting the great f#%king deceiver while it builds its empire in the shit-stained pig sties of Wall Street and weasel pee-soaked halls of Congress!**

This has nothing to do with a long-overdue Catholic spring (or summer, as the case may be) of spiritual awakening and enlightenment, and everything to do with reading the f#%king writing on the goddamned wall!

At least that’s what I heard the crazy bastard say. Granted I was raised with a fundamentalist's ability to quibble the sh!t out of the meaning of words and draw my own f#%king conclusions from facts not even remotely in evidence, but no matter what Crazy Frank’s exact precise words were, two things are clear as a f#%king bell: 1) the day of the Lord draws nigh for bigots and defilers of children!—and their sick f#%k facilitators and apologists! And 2) now that the pearly gates are open to all The Good People, there's a dance party going on in Heav'n!

(Wonder what the chances are the fundamentalists follow suit with their rules about homosexuality and who all gets to go to Heav'n!?)

Free Pussy Riot!


O.Keyes, Colorado



*Clearly the Vatican has a weasel problem. And as anyone who’s ever had to deal with the skeevy little mother f#%kers knows, they can be dangerous and even deadly. For the most comprehensive and detailed exploration to date of nasty varmints and diseased critters like the weasel, see O. Keyes’ Weasel, Polecat & Armadevil Field and Survival Guide. An invaluable practical resource, it covers everything from how to ID the damn-near endless varieties of the little sons a bitches, to surviving a bite or scratch—or worse, getting marked/peed on, which can cause all sorts of physiological and psychological confusion, and in some cases, severe emotional disorientation if the poison pee seeps into one’s bloodstream. (return to text)

**Clearly Congress has a weasel problem, as well. Weasel pee is such an invaluable tool for nefarious use because the emotional disorientation that results when it seeps into one’s bloodstream leaves one in a state of mind easily open to suggestion as well as specious logic and reasoning—perfect for turning patriotic partisans into pension poachers and takers of polls up the asses in exactly as much time as it takes for a pee-stain to dry. Moreover, weasels themselves are particularly suited for the putrid processes of politics because of their primordial craving of popularity and prize, blatantly opportunistic instincts, and clever insidious social nature. (return to text)


(Grateful acknowledgment is hereby made to writers Herzberg and Acocella at The New Yorker for their keenly focused senses about recent papal developments, as set forth in their poetically pensive posts of June 5, and June 18, 2013, entitled Hellbound After All? and The Pope and the “Gay Lobby,” respectively. And also to Bob for the stray apocalyptic lyrical reference casually dropped, and to Messrs. Townsend and Daltrey for the same. And to Slim Cessna who helped me truly see The Good People at a Slim Cessna's Auto Club show at the Bluebird Theater in Denver, Colorado, many years ago. And to Pussy Riot for being.)

                              (see 08/05/13 update: Pope On A Plane)